“I am tired.”
Lately, I’ve been confessing this, way too often. And that really irks me. It makes me feel weak. As if I can’t handle things, or worse, I am failing in being me.
You see, as a bonafide self-acclaimed type A, get it done, multitasker, overachiever, pretty much wannabe Wonder Woman- weakness isn’t something, I so easily embrace, or accept.
If anything, my tenacity provokes a kick butt approach to life – pressing through, moving forward, getting back up, is the way I prefer to do things.
By no means, am I proclaiming to have it all together, because I don’t. But, I do admit that I am a teeny (just an iota) bit prideful, and I am sure many of you can relate.
The problem with this way of thinking is that at times, I don’t know my limits, or that I am about to jump off the deep end. I have gotten better at this, but then again, I still have my seasons.
I am not saying it is wrong to be tired, or share how you are. We are human, of course we get tired.
But, for some reason, being tired has affected my family and me. It has gotten to my emotions and I was feeling unbelievably defeated, and I didn’t have the energy I needed to be a good wife and mom.
So, what was this girl to do?
The tears were falling like a waterfall. But I couldn’t pinpoint the reason for my tears.
Have you cried tired tears, I feel sorry for myself tears, or the life is not fair tears, you know, the “why do so and so have it easier than me- tears.” How about the guilty tears- “I am failing as a mommy or wifey?”
I think my tears are a combination of all of the above.
It’s imperative for me to mention that my tiredness isn’t about a lack of sleep, it has to do with juggling all the roles in my life- wife, mom, family, ministry, work, and making sure I don’t drop them.
Like I wrote above, I do have my seasons when I don’t know my limits. And recently, I did it again. I over scheduled myself for two consecutive weeks at work and home. I can bore you with the details, but I won’t.
Let’s just say, instead of enjoying a much needed three day weekend, I managed to take it away from myself, and worked for 12 days straight.
As I was managing, or should I say, juggling my work responsibilities, it became too heavy.
But, I didn’t want to drop the other things, especially the mommy role. So, the inevitable happened I put down the wife ball. Not because I don’t value it, but it had more to do with the fact, that I have a loving, understanding husband.
How unfair for him, or more like, how unfair for our marriage. But, isn’t this is what happens (like really!).
Afterwards, I sat down and reflected. And all the could’ves, should’ves, and would’ves that somehow could have made things better, started to surface in my mind. If only, I would have taken the time to think things though from the beginning.
What I am learning is that balance isn’t something I desire, it has become a necessity.
Shoot, I need to it.
I can’t practice balance for a few weeks, or for a month long streak, and then fall off the wagon for a couple of weeks, and think everything is okay.
I know that there are going to be unexpected seasons, but even then, as soon as possible, we need to immediately get back to our priorities. For me, that is my walk with God, family, ministry and work, and yes- that is the order.
Recently, I heard a message on balance, and the quotes below ministered to me.
“I don’t juggle, I cradle.” Mercy Lokulutu
“What you say “no” to determines what you can say “yes” to.” Ali Worthington
I want and need to apply these principals into my day-to-day living. I don’t want to juggle my roles/priorities anymore. I want to cradle them. I want to hold them close to my heart, and let them know that they mean more to me than any to do list, or accomplishment.
I want to give them my first fruits, not my leftovers. I don’t want to give all my energy to my job or my ministry, and then end up too tired to pour into my first ministry- my husband and children.
“I am tired” is not what I want to be saying when I am home. I want to experience an abundant life with my family.
But in order to do this, God has to be first. Like the scripture says of the person “…whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers.”
A couple of scriptures to meditate on…
Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint.