About a year ago, I wrote a monologue script detailing my mom’s sickness that has left her in a vegetative state.
Throughout the story, I alternated from the past to the present (bold print).
My God, He is my JOY!
I still remember the day like it was yesterday, but it’s been nine years.
It was an ordinary day. I was shopping in the toy section of Target for my two little girls, Bianca and Naomi.
Let’s see. I promised to buy them a little something. (Phone rings.)
Are you okay? Mom, please stop crying. I can’t understand you.
What did the doctor have to say?
But, you’re only 46 years old. How could this be?!
You may have had a stroke?! Nerve damage to your brain?!
Okay. But, what does all of this mean?
You are going to lose your memory.
How long do you have before you will no longer recognize us?
Two to three years?! Oh my….
I’ll be there soon. Love you. Bye!
How can this be?!
(Dial’s a number).
My mom is not going to be okay!
As a family, we already knew something wasn’t right with mom. It was more than the common forgetfulness, like misplacing your car keys.
She would ask us the same questions over and over again.
She would be in a middle of something, and walk away forgetting what she was working on.
When she didn’t know the year we were in, I knew there was something terribly wrong with mom.
But dementia wasn’t what we were expecting to hear, and we weren’t prepared for what was coming.
For two years, we were in limbo as we stood by helpless watching mom’s sickness overtake her. The doctors attempted all kinds of medications to slow down the process of dementia. Unfortunately, every thing they tried made her worse. Mom spent most of her time being incoherent, delirious and psychotic.
One thing that calmed her down was dancing.
(Merengue music starts to play- La Duena Del Swing.)
Oye (hey) mommy, slow down. I don’t want you to fall. You know how easy it is for you to loose your balance. Okay, I think it is time to change the music.
(The music changes to worship music- Held.)
Oh! What I would give to see her dance again. Back then, dancing with Mom comforted me. As we danced, I would pray for her. I used to cry out to the Lord to please heal her.
Lord, things are getting worse and worse. Today, she left the house without anyone knowing and it took an hour to locate her. The simple things that she use to do – eat, dress and bathe, my dad now has to do for her. My dad and I think she needs to go to the psychiatric ward again. Every time my phone rings, my heart starts to beat faster. Lord, your word says that you are Jehovah Rafa, our healer. Please heal her. I want my mom back. I miss her terribly.
Mom’s situation didn’t get any better. Often, friends and family members would ask me about her situation , and it was getting harder and harder for me to respond. I wanted so badly to tell them that …
“You won’t believe it! It is a miracle. She is healed.”
But, that wasn’t the case.
All I could say was “She is still the same. She is still sick.”
(The phone rings. She picks it up.)
Hey dad! Is everything okay with mom?
Dad, I completely understand. I know taking care of mom has been hard on you emotionally and physically.
Please, don’t feel bad.
Perhaps it is best that she is placed in the nursing home.
I have to go. Can I call you later?
No, dad. I am not mad at you. I don’t want you getting sick on me. Bye, dad.
And that day was the beginning of my dark world. Before that day, I still had hope that she was going to be okay. I still believed that my God, my faithful God was going to heal her.
But, as mom’s condition worsen, I found it harder to be joyful, especially during the holidays.
I didn’t like celebrating my birthday. It pained me to celebrate the day my mom gave birth to me, the start of our relationship.
We didn’t have a perfect relationship. At times, it was a bit dysfunctional. But, she was my mom, and one thing I knew was that she always had my back. She was that overprotecting Puerto Rican mom that would snap if you dare messed with her kids.
Needless to say, my relationship with the Lord shifted. I lost my first love, because my sadness was unbearable and overcame me.
(Lying on the floor, weeping, she worships – Praise You In The Storm)
Lord, you feel so far away. I feel like I can’t breathe. The world is closing in on me. I need you! I need to know that you haven’t forsaken me. Everyone keeps telling me that you wouldn’t give me a cross that I couldn’t carry. I don’t want to hear that. I want my mom back. I hate seeing my dad so sad! He looks so depressed.
(Stands up, lifts up her arms)
Lord, I want to praise you in the storm. When I am weak you are strong.
And then it happened…
No, my mom wasn’t healed. However, my healing process began.
I allowed Jesus precious light to shine into the darkness of my hurt. To this day, I don’t know how the book “Just Enough Light for the Step I am on,” got in my hands.
God used that book to speak to my sadness.
I finally understood that through the bad, unfortunate seasons, we just need a little light – hope, encouragement, and faith – to carry us through the day.
I also knew that I needed to adjust my thinking when it came to my relationship with the Lord.
I had a home church. But shortly afterwards, a coworker invited me to attend her church – NewLife Community Church.
(Sitting in NewLife Community Church park lot)
Lord, here I am. You said in your word, that if I draw near to you, you will draw near to me! Here I am.
(Enters church and worship music is playing- Back to the Heart of Worship)
Shortly after my first visit, the Pastor taught a series- Joy is a Choice. I truly believe that once I surrendered my hurt to God, He was able to orchestrate my process of healing.
Yes, I still experience moments of sadness because I am grieving the loss of my mother, but I am thankful that I can now trust and lean on my God. I can go through this storm with a smile on my face, because He is my Joy!
You know, I am still often asked about my mom!
But now, instead of just saying, “She is not doing well!” I also tell them- “But my God is keeping me through it and He is my JOY!”